overexposure

I really hate that I only use this blog when I'm just too filled with yuck to know what else to do.

This is a time when every force in my life is begging for a deeper committment. Relationships, mostly.

Part of the draw of one of these forces will require me to- yet again- give my testimony.

And honestly, I don't know that I have it in me right now.

Is that bad?

I feel as though I've been an opened door for so long. I've been everso forth coming with my past and my vulnerabilities that I've exposed to what ever enemies are out there just exactly where to stick the knife. My Achilles heels are too prevelant and prominant.

I do not remember the last time I've wanted to be more of a recluse.

Sometimes, I get really down on myself that I just can't snap my fingers and be someone different. Someone who doesn't take things too personally. Someone who doesn't expect the worst. Someone who doesn't get so wounded and refuses to heal. Someone who I would consider more valuable.

Someone less awkward.

I often feel that I never aged past 15. Adolescence was more of something I failed at than lived through, so it seems. The insecurities. The cluelessness of how to have friends. The sting of rejection. And all has become so much more difficult to wade through as the years have passed.

I so wish that everything I wrote was inspirational. That I was inspirational. For the good.

And it's not that I'm not happy. Because I am. And grateful and thankful.

It's not so much that I want life to be different. It's me I want to change.

Let's not talk about this.