I really hate that I only use this blog when I'm just too filled with yuck to know what else to do.
This is a time when every force in my life is begging for a deeper committment. Relationships, mostly.
Part of the draw of one of these forces will require me to- yet again- give my testimony.
And honestly, I don't know that I have it in me right now.
Is that bad?
I feel as though I've been an opened door for so long. I've been everso forth coming with my past and my vulnerabilities that I've exposed to what ever enemies are out there just exactly where to stick the knife. My Achilles heels are too prevelant and prominant.
I do not remember the last time I've wanted to be more of a recluse.
Sometimes, I get really down on myself that I just can't snap my fingers and be someone different. Someone who doesn't take things too personally. Someone who doesn't expect the worst. Someone who doesn't get so wounded and refuses to heal. Someone who I would consider more valuable.
Someone less awkward.
I often feel that I never aged past 15. Adolescence was more of something I failed at than lived through, so it seems. The insecurities. The cluelessness of how to have friends. The sting of rejection. And all has become so much more difficult to wade through as the years have passed.
I so wish that everything I wrote was inspirational. That I was inspirational. For the good.
And it's not that I'm not happy. Because I am. And grateful and thankful.
It's not so much that I want life to be different. It's me I want to change.
Let's not talk about this.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
overexposure
Posted by Elle Bee at 10:40 AM
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1 comments:
Yes, we will talk about this Lisabeth. You are a truely amazing woman who I believe has a lot to be learned from (I think I'm speaking for more than just myself when I say this). But here's the thing: You chose who you will and will not give a piece of yourself to. And, maybe you're choosing the right people, or maybe you're not. But, you have more people than you know who would love to grow closer to you and either you don't see it, or you choose to act like your don't see it.
Is this making sense?
I'm speaking for myself when I say that there was a time I was looking so hard for someone to trust, and to open up to. And for someone who would grab me by the hand (so-to-speak), and to help guide me toward something more. And, for someone who I could help in that same way. To see the world in another way.
I tried pretty hard Lisabeth. I thought (and I still think), that you have so many admirable qualities. And, I'd really love to be a part of that. I'd really love to learn from those qualities, and I could only pray to find some of those qualities in myself.
So Lisabeth, let people in! You have more people who are inspired by you, and who look up to you than you could ever know! And difficult as it may be, stop building all these walls. Because, really maybe that's where you've gone wrong...
Keep your head up. And give that testimony. Only you know what you need to do, so do it! And move on.
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