blank paper

This entry is a



You've been warned...

This holiday season is becoming unlike any other. For the first time in my life, I want them to be over before they really begin. But before you bah-humbug me, hear me out.

There really is no escaping that Christmas is the season of stuff. It's engrained in our culture, necessary for the survival of our economy, and (all of this under the guise of) an affectionate expression of love.

However, that absolute last thing on my mind these days is shopping.

This week alone, I personally know four people who lost their jobs. And I know of many others who are holding on to their employment by a thread. And with 70% of the country screaming for no government bailout for the auto-industry... we might classify ourselves in that category as well.

Our neighbors, a newlywed couple, both lost their jobs late last month. Unemployment is going to pay them just enough to cover their rent next month, but they won't have a penny left over. This makes groceries the new luxury yacht.

The current unemployment rate is nearing 10% in Michigan, and therefore "new" jobs are scarce. Everyone is downsizing, re-organizing, and trying to stay afloat. It doesn't matter if you are college educated and experienced; everyone is being affected.

It's sad.

And I mean that. I'm really sad about this.

Jon and I are thankful for every day that we both get up and go to work. We have learned to understand the privilege of cupboards full of food. And we have come to understand grace in ways we didn't know were possible. However, we are also coming to accept the responsibility we have in this economy. For as long as we are the haves, it is our job to care for the have nots.

But it's so tricky.

Every day I feel it on my heart to do something, and every day that something changes. And so does the recipient of that something. I want to help change the situation, not just throw some money at it and hope it goes away. I feel compelled to get my hands dirty.

I fully accept the truth behind "to those much is given, much is expected." So I'm not sure what my problem is. I suppose it's figuring out the expectation.

Sigh.

The local doom and gloom isn't all that has got me down.

Ever since I became a parent, I have developed this bionic ability to internalize all of the bad news in the world. And these latest terrorist attacks are no exception.

Perhaps it's because I know of my own struggle with fear (and it's basically a paramount battle), but I so strongly emphathized with those held hostage that I had nightmares about Lilah and I being trapped in those hotels with the gunman.

And then hearing all the latest buzz about possible ensuing biological and nuclear attacks...

I just don't know what to do with it all.

I feel the need to act about AIDS in Africa, hunger in Haiti, and genocide in Rwanda. But I feel completely incapable of doing anything. The problem is too big. And while I'm not so arrogant to think that the weight of the world rests on my shoulders, I am positive that more is required of me in all this than just to feel bad about it.

This is how I am about a messy house, too. Once there is too much to clean up, I can't just pick a place to start and go from there.

I panic. And then nothing gets done. Or Jon sends me away and he does it.

But I'm not sure that there are enough Jons in the world. And I don't want off the hook this time.

I've kept quiet about these feelings for awhile because 1.) no one wants to read someone's blog about all the bummy crap in the world and 2.) I didn't think that posting this entry on the same page as I was cheerfully giving away prizes and posting pictures of my daughter and Christmas trees made much sense at all. However, I was pushed over the proverbial edge last night while watching t.v., and I could wait no longer to spill my guts to my virtual journal.

I know that reality television is infamous for taking liberties through the editing process, but I can't think of any way in which The Real Housewives of Orange County could be unspun in a way which wouldn't still leave me enraged. If I lived in another country and I watched these women and took them for the average American, I would totally hate us, too.

The pettiness, the caddiness, and the selfishness I witnessed throughout the two episodes I viewed were enough to leave me - honestly - slack-jawed.

The only thing I can't stand worse than absorbing and dwelling on all the bad in the world is to be the complete opposite - shallow, egocentric, and materialistic.

So, for these reasons, I have been reluctantly putting off the Christmas shopping lists which seem longer every day as more people ask me to "do theirs" for them. I have never not been in the mood to come up with gift ideas. But right here, right now... it seems so pointless.

When Wal-Mart employees are losing their lives because customers are selfish and greedy, it takes the luster our of searching for that perfect present.

Welcome to the other side of Elle Bee.